Grief. The feeling of the week for me.
This week we were shown how the four stages of death can be applied to this course and how we can get stuck in one of the first three stages. The four stages are denial, anger, grief and acceptance.
I looked up the definition of grief. Grief is deep sorrow especially that caused by someone’s death.
Grief, the final stage before acceptance. I thought about this all week and what I’ve been feeling going through this course. I tried to put this post together last night, I think about it, I’ve been at this stage before. I have a lot of thoughts going through my head but I just can’t focus. I wake up this morning, a few things happen that get me thinking again… grief, I’ve been at this stage before, grief… think, don’t measure.
Then the memories come back, a lot of them. I’ll share one about dating and relationships for me. They were rather painful for me and the people I had dated.
I had gone through all the stages. Denial: This isn’t happening to me, I can find someone, there’s nothing wrong with me so it must be them, I don’t need to fix anything on my end I don’t need to be a better person, I don’t need to change. Anger: Why can’t I find the right person, why didn’t she call back? I didn’t like her anyway. These are just some of the many thoughts I had in my head. Understanding what I know now I used denial and anger to justify not looking within to solve those problems and have a different outcome in my world without, I continually failed to answer the call.
Then grief sets in. I felt a lot of it. What I did not realize is that this was a good thing. I had been so fed up with the behaviours of my past, trying the same things over and over and over again that just weren’t working. I felt deep sorrow, misery, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, despair. What I didn’t know is that the habits of my past had died. My old self had died. I did not care to use the thoughts of my past anymore. I had already crossed that line from the known into the unknown. I did not know what to expect, I didn’t care. I accepted the fact that what I had known was gone. It was time to continue moving forward.
On September 12th of 2007 there was an annual event in town, the Terry Fox Run. I was working with the volunteer fire department at the time and we were going to have a truck there to show our support and help with the fund raising and well, most kids like seeing a big red truck at almost any event so if they weren’t enjoying the run/walk /jog with their parents we could cheer them up with a tour through our truck. I wasn’t sure if I would attend; I had done a trail run the day before and didn’t know if I’d be in any shape to participate. I woke up that morning, felt a little rough, but I decided to go and help out. Well it was the most fun I had the pleasure of enjoying in a long time. I love kids, the thought of one day having a family was something I truly wanted, but that day I decided to let everything go, to just enjoy the day. At one point I did notice a group of people off in the distance, one person in particular, she had a white ball cap on with her hair in a ponytail out the back of the hat, a fitted outfit and roller blades. She looked cute, but I had thought she looks a little young. I quickly forgot about her and got back to helping out my co-workers with the kids. Little did I know that this particular girl that I had seen had spotted me too. Two very strange things happened during and after that event. A couple of hours into the event an older gentleman approached us and after asking some general questions that anyone would ask he felt compelled to tell me that I had a secret admirer, thanked us all for our time, turned around and left. A little baffled and curious we all joked about it for a bit and left it at that. A couple of days later if memory serves me correct, I had some electrical work to finish up at a house in town. The lady that I was doing the work for told me that there was a friend of hers at the Terry Fox Run that saw me there and wanted to get to know me. She gave me a phone number and said that this woman is sort of old fashioned, she said she would like me to give her a call. I did. Turns out that ‘cute girl’ was my secret admirer. Today I am that cute girls’ husband and we have a beautiful family together.
That day at the Terry fox Run I gave up. I gave up all the habits of my past, all the memories associated with them all the thoughts of fear, worry, self-doubt, denial, anger, grief, I let the old me die. That day I started a journey a journey into the life I had always wanted.
Today I find myself in that stage of grief again. But today I am better prepared. I love my beautiful wife and our wonderful children. I love everyone and I want to do my best to become the best that I am capable of becoming. Today I let go of who I was. Today I take another step forward towards living life with purpose.